I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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