He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
