There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize