glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
