filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
