She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
