How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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