Got a toothbrush?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
