I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
don't judge my taste in strippers
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
