my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize