I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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