Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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