I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
