My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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