I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I accidentally burped into my bong.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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