Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
