so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
