Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
