Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
