I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Best friends brother. Beat that.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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