I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
