I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
