I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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