just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize