i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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