the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
