Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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