Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize