my phone needs a breathalizer
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
