and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Randomize
