i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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