I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
