You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
