Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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