nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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