Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
