Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Randomize
