I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize