Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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