I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
