It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
