this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize