I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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