I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
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