I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
