sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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