and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
