How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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