I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize