Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
