...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
