she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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