Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
