I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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