My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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