Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
