he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
