And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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