Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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