a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
