she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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