we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
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