She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize