I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
