I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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