If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
