a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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