You smell like stripper and shame
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
