I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize