never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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