i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
