Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
3pm strippers are depressing
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
