K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
